Feeling blegh

 Today I didn't do a lot.  And usually, when I don't do too much I feel really bummed out because I miss out on what I could've done.  My mind is really black and white when it comes to how I plan my day and the impact of potentially not meeting those events.  Today I was supposed to study a great bit regarding my international relations class.  

But I just didn't feel primed for it.  My mind was too busy thinking about other things; just making it rather hard to fully invest my energy into it.

And I know that doesn't sound so crazy.  It happens to everyone.  But my brain pisses me off so much sometimes.  The way it reciprocates and responds to everyday mishaps is too extreme; on par with getting fired or getting an injury.  That's how extreme my brain manages to respond to the stupidest situations.

For example, I didn't wake up at 6:30 this morning.  I woke up at 7:30 because I couldn't sleep till 12:30 last night.  That already set my night/morning off pretty terribly.  Because I woke up so late, I ended up not going to the gym that morning.  EVEN THOUGH I went to the gym in the afternoon, I felt so stupid and lazy for not going in the morning.  

It's stuff like that that just totally pisses me off.  It sucks because I pride myself on trying to be the best person I can possibly be.  Whether physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, or anything, I always try to be my best potential.  

But it is so tiring trying to do that.  And not only is it tiring, but the process of staying on top of that saddle makes you accustomed to it.  Once you fall off, it feels like it's 100 feet up.  It hurts when you land, and it's embarrassing for me to have to look back on the saddle from where I feel off.  

I don't mean this in any narcissistic sense.  I really don't.

But my mindset is just so fucking cruel to myself when I need the most help mentally.  I've tried talking to people; my girlfriend is great and soaks it all up like a sponge.  But it doesn't retract away from the idea of how I proceed after that.  It's the same bullshit.  Everyday.  Trying to be the absolute best I can while hoping something changes that day.  A good amount of days are like that, fortunately.  For example, when I do good on an exam or do good on a run, all that work I've put in prior comes to fruition.  However the process of getting there is just exhausting daily.  

Anyhow...  Writing makes me feel better!  I've stopped doing a lot of stuff that I began prior to leaving to college.  Reading.  Writing.  Video games.  My friends.

I miss my home so much.  Writing makes me feel like I'm back home.

-Noa